Responding, not Reacting

We’ve all been there - a snappy comment that led to a full blow argument, a few thoughtless words that hurt someone’s feelings or an angry email that was sent out and could not be recalled. We don’t mean to intentionally upset anyone but stress or built up tensions just have a way of revealing its ugly head eventually. 

Sounds familiar? I can imagine many of us may have found ourselves in thorny situations at home during these COVID-19 restrictions.

Unfortunately the best way not to intentionally hurt the people we care about is to avoid reacting compulsively when a situation triggers us. How do we do that? By giving ourselves the space to calm down before responding, versus reacting (often explosively) immediately. 

"Between stimulus and response there's a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Viktor Frankl, Psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor

But how do we create this “space”? 

The easy answer is to just breathe. 

Breathing creates the seconds of space between the stimulus/trigger (e.g. your kid/boss/partner etc annoying you) and your reaction (e.g. snapping, shouting, throwing a fit); to process your thoughts before responding to the situation in a composed way.

The difficult part; is having the awareness to notice the moments just as the trigger occurs and to actively take the breaths necessary to create a space before responding. 

Unfortunately there aren’t any quick fixes to behavioural change. It takes conscious effort and committed practice before it starts to become a natural way of responding. 

In this new normal we are starting to accept and adjust to the fact that there are many situations in life that we cannot control. However we can control our responses and can play a part in de-escalating situations instead of fuelling them.